New Year's Fake

Ten years ago last night, I spent one of the best nights of my life with the man I would marry. It was the much-lauded and anticipated turning of the millennium. It was the year we moved from 1900s to 2000s, and there were more than a million people watching fireworks and celebrating on the beach where we were that night.

We had made our engagement official on Christmas eve 1999, also the first night I would meet his entire family (about 20 or more people and I barely spoke the language then).

I was surrounded by an ethereal happiness -- no inkling yet of the troublesome decade ahead for me and us.

Last night, as I brought in the new decade with friends at Atlanta's silly Peach Drop, I was a big fake. I faked being happy. I danced a lot. Had some champagne. Fake smiled for everyone.

This morning, I could do nothing but think of my ex-husband back in his home land with the family I grew to love and consider my own. I wondered if he found someone to kiss as the clock struck midnight. Who was he with? I guess I never felt more lonely since we split earlier this year. New Year's Eve had always, always been our special night. We would never ever sit at home but always went to a fun party or exotic place. Probably my favorite new year's eve was the one when we danced for hours at home, just the two of us, before going to meet some friends. I remember feeling really happy that night.

No offense to my girlfriends, but last night wasn't the same. I hate to start 2010 with a bad attitude, but at the same time, I guess my grieving for my marriage isn't over. Maybe it's hardly begun.

Who knows how long grieving takes when you still love a person? I have tried to be careful about not getting involved with anyone since the divorce. Dating, flirting, other stuff? Maybe. Emotional connection? How could I? I don't think it would be fair to someone else. I think I'm still an emotional landmine.

If this morning -- when I faced my real feelings and wiped that fake smile off my face -- is any clue, then perhaps the worst is yet to come.

The truth is, I do have great hopes for myself for the next 10 years. The truth is, I'm normally upbeat, looking for fun. It's not as bad as I am making it sound, probably. But today, as I reflect back, it's hard not to feel a huge loss and void in my life. Like the last 10 years never happened. Like they are wiped clean from life and I'm back in 1999, right before I met him. A neat and tidy package, that decade, completely spent with him, and now vanished into a black hole. Now I'm back where I was before I met him. A trippy "Ground Hog's Day" scenario when that alarm buzzer goes off and you wake up as if the day had never happened. I guess I get a chance at a "do-over" only now I'm 10 years older. Wiser? That's debatable. Changed? That's for sure.

I'm not in the mood to wish anyone a Happy New Year. Isn't that awful? Instead, I wish everyone truth. Maybe I'll put that fake smile away and just be real. Now that would be a good resolution indeed.