No nerve

After my liberating "unfriending" binge on Facebook, and while in theory I liked the idea of thinning the pack, I ended up getting less attention from men. How funny, no? Maybe the normal riff raff picked up on the fact that I was having none of their shenanigans. I would argue I also had the winter blahs and probably wasn't being exactly charming or sensual (I am a summer animal). Truth be told, I still feel the sting of the divorce, and I used winter seasonal affective disorder as an excuse to feel baaaaaaad. That was goooooood, I would say. Deal now or forever hold my peace.

When I did finally go out to meet the madding crowd, I met, of course, a 23-year-old. That's a dime and half less than me for those keeping score. He's younger than my last youngest conquest... I'm freaking myself out! Of course, however, he lives here illegally. My big joke is that I am "flytrap" for illegals. I ought to be an immigration agent, because I would catch them all. From any and every country, but of course mostly the ones that speak Spanish or Portuguese. (My trainer, bless his heart, says I catch the young ones because I'm short. One of my dear girlfriends says I catch the wrong ones because I'm too friendly. Short and friendly = illegal foreign young men. Anyone agree with this theory? I just want cool and eligible men who aren't married and schmucky and who hopefully speak English and read the newspaper. Is that so hard?)

Still, he was cute. We met on our birthdays at a night club -- we have the same birthday -- and we danced really well together and all night long. We had several "dates" so to speak after the first night we met (we actually just met up to go dancing).

I was, for a moment, considering having sex with him.

But when the lights came up and the truth came out, I lost my nerve. When I had my chance, I couldn't go through with it. I knew I didn't for one second consider him boyfriend material. I knew that morning conversation over coffee would be limited, and he had never read a newspaper. I wondered if he'd ever had his heart broken. I didn't want to be the first to do that.

He's sweet and sensitive in a very juvenile way. He lives at home with his mom and two high-school aged brothers. He sent me a lot of text messages (still does -- I wonder how long it will take for him to stop sending them... I haven't replied for days). He sent me a text chain mail letter proclaiming he loves me just the way I am. He said he wanted to get to know me better than he knows myself. Wow. See? Heart-breakingly sweet. But how could I potentially hurt that poor little guy?

So, I lost my nerve, plain and simple. Probably men are better at that type of thing. Act first, think of the consequences later. But I had too much heart for that, and not enough nerve. Maybe it's like catching a fish that's just too small and throwing it back, waiting for that bigger catch. One that meets the legal requirements. That must be it... Ahhh, the hunt goes on.