Fighting the good fight

In nearly 10 years of marriage, my ex and I never had a constructive fight.

We didn't know how. We weren't solution oriented, but instead loved to blame each other for things. We'd get wound up in twists and knots and terrible pretzels, and we could never, ever unwind. I believe a primary reason we broke up was this basic lack of problem solving skills. I definitely include myself in this problem. And I definitely include him in the problem. No blame, just two people who needed more tools in their toolbox, so to speak.

We just had a spat regarding the logistics of our divorce. I have been kind of swept up in the divorce like a hiker in an avalanche. I am finally dusting myself off to make sure I'm alive, to see what's broken and if all of my limbs are intact. I am alive and well, but the ride down the hill was rocky and it hurt.

This week, the ex and I for the third time had the same conversation about something we both agreed to, but now he is angry about. The first two times, I explained to him how he needs to call a therapist, lawyer or friend, because I wasn't the right person for him to be complaining to, as he was complaining about me! I'm no longer his wife. Don't live in the same house. I clearly don't have to put up with that, right? Yesterday, and I'm not proud of this, I just hung up on him. In the middle of his speech. This sucked. We always had an agreement that we wouldn't hang up on each other. I hated doing it. But... I had asked him nicely and politely twice not to rant at me, and he was doing it anyway. Not cool. So, he got hung up on.

Today, I sent him a long e-mail explaining how I am sorry he is upset, yadda yadda yadda, followed by my own logic and reasoning as to why he shouldn't be upset, yadda yadda yadda, plus some other mumbo jumbo about feelings, yadda yadda yadda, and I hit send.

What came back to me was a gift from the Gods, Goddesses, Cupids, whomever. He sent me the best explanation to date -- in our 10 years together -- in a succinct, well-reasoned manner about his feelings. It was amazing. It was sensitive and sweet, but still made his points. He left off the stuff that I had been finding a bit mean, if not demeaning. He acknowledged how hard I worked at the marriage, that I had changed for the better, etc. He admitted he had just given up on the whole thing. These were huge, huge disclosures from someone who made a job of not opening up. My therapist has called him one of the most challenging customers she's had. He had exhibited an absolute refusal to look deep inside himself for answers, at least in her office. It got to the point last year, before the divorce, that the therapist looked at me and said, "You're done!" but looked at him and said, "Let's get to work..." He shockingly agreed to it, but of course, that was never going to happen. And it didn't. Truth be told, our relationship was probably too far gone at that point anyway. If you've given up, pretty much no amount of therapy brings you back from that abyss.

Nonetheless, the things he put in yesterday's email were things I had been hoping to hear from him for ages. Just some acknowledgment that he gave up, that I had worked hard and done everything I said I would and that I possibly could. It brought me an incredible sense of closure. I would argue it was the best fight we ever had. It made me think of the phrase, "Fighting the good fight." I know that has a different meaning, but to me, this was how it felt to have fought a good fight. Finally, a fight that resolved our issues and no one felt blamed. No one lost. Now that's a good fight.